IN THE AIR ...

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We have had, in my estimation I rather mild summer, we've even avoided staggering triple digit temperatures. Last week there was a cold snap that left us with rain and the highs in the mid 70s. 

I went out very early this morning to mow my lawn and as I was riding my mower in the cool air I got a strange whiff of fall. 




Its way too early, but there it was.  If I'm smelling fall now... I just hope winter keeps its distance.

"ALL THE KINGS HORSES AND ALL THE KINGS MEN... "

When my oldest grandson was not quite five he began to talk about divorce. No one is sure how it got started but he was upset for months.  He was afraid that his parents were getting divorced.  They reassured him over and over of their love for him, his siblings and for each other but he was still plagued. 

He could feel that divorce was coming into his life but at his tender age he misplaced it. His parents weren't divorcing... his grandparents were. Because my oldest and his family live a few hours away, they were able to put off telling their children for a long time.  They saw us both, just not at the same time. They were afraid of this little boy's reaction. When they did tell him they got what they expected... a tsunami of tears.

Divorce is hard and calling it a "death" is pretty accurate. It doesn't just affect the couple it effects the entire family. I thought because my children were adults that they would handle it easily. I couldn't have been more wrong. Each, in their own way, has walked through "hell" and still, eight years later, its the elephant in the room. 

My grandchildren are always eager to tell me when they have seen grandpa and exactly what he did and said. That was painful for me for a long time until I realized what they were doing. In their little minds they are trying to reconnect us. Just two weekends ago little six year old Andy said to me...  

"Grandpa is coming to our house... you know that man that's suppose to be your husband."  

A little surprised, I just smiled.

Do I regret divorcing? No.  Thirty-three years of living a lie was enough. But, having said that, when people confide in me that they are thinking of divorce I always tell them.

 "You'd better think about this long and hard before you do it" 

I know there are many times when it is an inevitability, but if there is anything to work with, any chance for change and a reconnection I would TAKE IT!  

Yesterday I listened to JK Rowling, famed author of the Harry Potter series, speak about failure and how it propelled her toward success. Its the old pendulum analogy... however far we swing to the left we have the potential to swing to the right. I get that, but the fear and pain from failure has kept me sitting quietly in a puddle, hoping to go unnoticed and unscathed.

Now suddenly my "puddle" feels stagnant and I am surprised to find myself yearning for what I said I would never have again... a relationship with a man. Not a husband, just a friend... OK maybe a boyfriend... no just a friend. Even talking about it makes me queasy. 

Knowing that if we stand still while the pendulum swings we might get hit, I'm not sure where to begin, not sure I can even begin... 

Maybe wanting is a start

DELICIOUS!

In years past a shopping trip to Nordstrom meant a stop at their cafe for a pomegranate lemonade. I was completely hooked on these and not until our Nordstrom closed did I go "cold turkey"  

Imagine my delight when I discovered POM. It is 100% pomegranate juice, full of powerful antioxidants and has no added sugar. I simply filled my glass and squeezed half a lemon into it. YUM! I don't even miss the high sugar content of the Nordstrom version.

Then one day I noticed three other varieties on the grocery shelf... Hula (pineapple) Mango and Coconut. A nice change from a "green smoothie"  I tossed a medley of bananas, pineapple and peaches into my Blend-Tec and added a small container of one of these. So refreshing and the entire blend is under 300 calories (It makes enough for two people) 

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX... 

you can find out in the pumpkin patch!

I discovered gardening years ago, its satisfying and in many ways therapeutic and if you ever need a little solitude all you have to do is announce you're going out to weed the garden ... no one bothers you.

I planted tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, even corn but as much as I love all things fall, I had never grown pumpkins until about 20 years ago. You have to have the seeds in the ground by the first of June but I one-upped mother nature by planting a "seedling" 

Every morning I headed to the pumpkin patch having no idea what to expect. What I got was a lot of beautiful green leaves... but where were the pumpkins?  Then there was the most beautiful blossom, the color was intoxicating... but where were the pumpkins?

As time passed more blossoms on long slender stems appeared. What I didn't realize at first was that all of these flowers were male. Then one day a single female flower bloomed and gave birth to a tiny pumpkin. I was ecstatic.




I was seeing a little "birds and bees" lesson in all of this and I begged my four teenagers to join me in the pumpkin patch. They just rolled their eyes.

Things got more interesting when two conjoined pumpkins arrived. What a fun jack-o-lantern that was going to make. But to my great disappointment the little "twins" shriveled and alas it was aborted.  

As fall approached the pumpkins, now huge, began to ripen. I noticed at this point that the once large and beautiful foliage was spent and haggard. It had given its all to produce the fruit. I winced as I recognized that, even at 45, I was heading in that direction.

I was seeing the "great cycle of life"  sex, birth, death, miscarriage, disappointments and old age, it was nature in its purest form. I was mesmerized by the entire process. One night at the dinner table I was trying to get those teenagers to come and see and I said... "You know everything you ever wanted to know about sex you can find out in the pumpkin patch" 

That's all it took... the kitchen was cleared as my teenagers went fleeing to their rooms leaving their 6 year old brother the only one willing to participate.  I heard someone mumble on their way up the stairs... "Mom's talking about sex and pumpkins again."  

To this day they tease me about it but to this day I still marvel at the miracle of life... even in the pumpkin patch. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

I have to admit that I'm closer to the "end" than I am to the beginning and although I hope to have many more years there is a sense that I should make everyday count. Far from perfect, I am nevertheless grateful that time has brought me to a place where I am less angry, more forgiving and a little wiser about what's really important.

One of my darling granddaughters said to me a while back... "Grandma, how old will you be when you die?"  I laughed and said... 88  Eight has always been my lucky number so I figured double eight was even better. She seemed satisfied and trotted off to play.

Here's to another 23 years of enjoying this beautiful world! 

"ANNIE'S SONG"

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Thirty-three years ago today my miracle baby was born. After suffering the loss of a son, the yearning to be a mother again was so strong that I wanted a baby more than I wanted air.

The heavens opened and I was finally getting my wish. It had been a long hard road to this point and I knew there was a chance I might never do this again. I held on to every moment, even when the air conditioning went out and I sat with my feet in a bucket of ice water.

There was a popular John Denver song that tugged at me. I remember piecing a baby quilt, sewing tiny little squares together and singing along with the radio...

 "Annie's Song"

You fill up my senses like a night in the forest,

Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain,

Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean.

You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

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I felt so connected to that tiny unborn spirit... I must have sung that song a hundred times waiting for her birth.

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On July 29, 1981 I set my alarm for 3:00 am intent on watching Lady Diana marry Prince Charles.  I lay propped up on my pillows when suddenly she stretched and my water broke. Now the cheering from the crowds on the TV seemed to be for me... today we are having a baby.

Everything went like clockwork. With an epidural and a short three and a half hour labor my sweet baby girl was born. We named her... Annie

She was whisked off to the nursery and I was wheeled to my room. Before long, a nurse with a very puzzled look on her face, brought her to me and said ... "Your baby is singing" Indeed, I had heard her all the way down the hall. I held her close, her melody was ethereal and I already knew the lyrics.

 

Before my children were born I couldn't imagine who was coming... after, I couldn't imagine life without them.

MADONNA BADGER...

surviving the unthinkable

Its been two and a half years since Madonna Badger's life was forever altered by the unthinkable loss of her entire family. Now it seems she has found a little joy. Married last Tuesday, in her own words she declares... 

“We did it! Bill and I eloped today!” 

In the early morning hours of December 25, 2011 Madonna's house caught on fire and her three daughters Lilly (9) and twins, Sara and Grace (7) died. Both her parents perished in that same fire.

Engulfed by unbearable grief and labeled "crazy" by most of her mental health care workers, Madonna has not only managed to survive, but has now shared her story of love and loss, grief and resilience and her ultimate decision to keep living.

Without family, her friends rallied both physically and emotionally. As she slowly inched her way back to sanity there were moments that yielded profound insights. Here are a few points that she touches on...

Finding humor

Work gives purpose

 "She is still their mother, she is still their daughter"

A lot of hard work!

Filling your heart with love not bitterness

The tsunami cry

A spiritual connection

When darkness comes.

Not crazy... just sad

Allow healing 

Filling the hole inside 

 Even though we all have different experiences the journey toward healing is often parallel. Listen as Madonna explains how she ultimately filled the hole inside of her and reclaimed the "pieces" from her shattered life.

Madonna Badger... a remarkable woman of a certain age

Here is her story on TED TALKS.